MISCELLANEOUS JOKES PAGE 2
The Centipede A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner says "How about a dog?" The man replies, "Come on, a dog?" The owner says, "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything." He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede. The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede! He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get runover by a car? Where is that centipede?? He goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the story?!" The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
Little Jimmy was laying about on a hill in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Jimmy. What can I do for you?" Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?" Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute." "Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?" "A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny." "Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?" God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."
-WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLMATE- 1. Stick yor palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"May I borrow a highlighter?" 2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that." 3. Cheer and clap loudly everytime somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise 4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." 5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no!! My glass eye!!" 6. Say "Wow, this water is cold." 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a high place and say - 6 or 8 feet. Then sigh relaxingly. 8. Say, "Now how did that get there?" 9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus." 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa ! Easy boy !!" 11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters" 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please? 13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!! 14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot" 15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?" 16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks 17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressors Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!" 19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS: A girl phoned me the other day and said...Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all. And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy...I'd have had nothing to play with. During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy.... Hey buddy...why are you doing that? He said...Because you came home early. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning...put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I was born...the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father....I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ...but he pulled through. My mother had morning sickness after I was born. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost...I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him.... do you think we'll ever find them? He said...I don't know kid...there are so many places they can hide. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said...I don't know but your eyesight is perfect. My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said...Alright...you're ugly too! When I was born the doctor took one look at my face...turned me over and said. Look ... twins! I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a four week old puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that he choked on it, sir."
Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over, "So... out looking for a little, huh ?" She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. Now, I'm out looking for a LOT!"
The Official Men's Room Etiquette Aptitude Exam
The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room. An X above the number will indicate "in use." (Sample): | | | x | | | x | (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | are occupied.) ------------------------- You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at which stall you are to correctly stand. Good luck!
Easy Section 1.) | | x | | x | | | (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Your choice: ___
Correct answer: 6 It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this. =============================================== 2.) | x | | | | | | (Urinal 1 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
Your choice: ___
Correct answer: 6 Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later. =============================================== Kind of tricky Section:
3.) | | | | | | | (empty) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
Your choice: __
Correct answer: 1 or 6 You are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me." =============================================== 4.) | | x | | x | | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
Your choice: ___
Correct answer: 1 You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in. =============================================== Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section
| | x | | | x | x | (2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
Your choice: __
Correct answer: 4 Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand! ===============================================
VERY tricky indeed Section 6.) | x | x | | | x | x | (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
Your choice: ___
Correct answer: NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for goodness sake! ... use a doored stall. =============================================== Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals: -- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse. -- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offense. -- NO Singing. Period. -- Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again".
***Do you guys really follow these rules? LOL
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a restaurant. Upon arriving...., he ordered a drink and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of drinks, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied,"Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
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