MISCELLANEOUS JOKES PAGE 3
Fuelish Thing To Do A couple of drinking buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at San Francisco Airport. The runway is fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other "Man, have you got anything to drink?" The second guy says, "Nah, but I hear if you drink jet fuel, that it will kinda give you a buzz." So they drink it get smashed and have a great time...as only drinking buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up figuring that his head will explode if he gets up. Nevertheless, he gets up and is surprised to find that he feels good; in fact he feels great---no hangover! The phone rings. Its his buddy asking him how he feels. "I feel great!" he says. His buddy agrees, saying, "I feel great too! You don't have a hangover either?" "No", he replies, "That jet fuel is great stuff....no hangover. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, we could but there's just one thing...."
A travelling salesman was driving along when his car broke down in front of a very large house. He walked to the front door and an old Chinese man answered the door. The old man said, "You may stay, but do not do anything to my granddaughter or I will subject you to the Chinese Torture Test." The man agreed thinking, "How hard could it be. It's only one night, right?" That night at dinner, he met the granddaughter. She was the most gorgeous thing he had ever seen. Throughout dinner he couldn't help but stare at her. He had, after all, been travelling for six months. Later that night, he snuckinto her room and made wild passionate sex to the granddaughter and then went back to his room and went to sleep. The next morning he woke up with a large boulder on his chest. There was a sign on it that said, "First Chinese Torture Test: 100 Pound Boulder on Chest." Being a very strong salesman, he managed to heave the boulder out the window of his third storey room. He noticed a rope, and another message on his chest read, "Second Chinese Torture Test: Boulder Tied to Right Testicle" Without thinking he leaped out the window after the boulder. Outside the window was another sign, "Final Chinese Torture Test: Left Testicle Tied to Bed Post."
There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!" Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"No she answered, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No! I don't wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!"
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs,but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting doused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Three men died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates they were greated by St.Peter, who informed them that they had to answer one question before they could be allowed in heaven. The first man approached, and St.Peter asked the man how many times he had cheated on his wife. The man replied, three times. St.Peter said: Well that's not good, so I condemn you to ride this Kawasaki dirt bike around heaven for all of eternity. The man left on his bike and the second man approaced and was asked the same question. He replied, one time. St.Peter said, That's not too bad, but you'll have to ride this Honda around heaven for the rest of eternity. The man left and the third man approached and was asked the same question. He replied, Never!! St.Peter said: That's great, you get to cruise around heaven for eternity on this new Harley Dresser. The man approaced the Harley and all of a sudden fell to his knees and started crying. St.Peter said, What's the matter man, I just gave you the best ride in heaven. The man answered: Yes I know, But I just saw my wife go by on a pair of ROLLER SKATES!!
Terry Simmons
Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if your would tell me about this," pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working; I haven't had a cold all winter.
THE NEXT TIME YOU GET PULLED OVER BY A CHP (CA Highway Patrol)... ...The person in question, a woman in a Porsche, as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball." He replied, "No, Highway Patrolmen don't have Balls." There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
A young Southern peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office, "But why?" he asked. "Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly. "Look, I'll give you a raise." "No," she said. "You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me." "Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look, I haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..." Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear, it's nature. Look, I have it, too...." "Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer s going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake-he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God replies "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching tv, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "where are you going?" He replies, "to the kitchen." She asks, "will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "sure." She then asks him, "don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "no, I can remember that." She then says, "well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "well I also would like whip cream on top. i know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." he then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "you forgot my toast."
A Dog Named Sex Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand.... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!" One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."
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