Democrats are considering changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because a condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single
flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to
compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze,
steadied her voice, and asked her question.
A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor." The surgeon seemed to pause which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be alright won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President
Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas.
Hillary Clinton had just undergone her annual physical exam at her doctor's
office. The doctor came in and said: "Mrs. Clinton our tests have come back
and confirmed that you are pregnant." The first lady said: "There must be
some mistake!" Her physician replied: "At first we were also suprised, but
we double checked the test results and you are definitely expecting a
Three boy scouts (in uniform) were out fishing in a boat one day, when they
heard cries for help. They went around a point only to see another fishing
boat capsized and a man struggling to keep his head above water. Like true
boys scouts, they went to his aid and fished the man out.
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing
the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you
let me show you around?"
The reason it's always so difficult for this president to tell the truth,the
whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's usually three different
If the president could convince every woman in America that the Bible
says oral sex is not adultery, he'd even have my vote.
What's wrong with extending my probe? The president did the same
The special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony to the entire
Shouldn't the president be held to the same standards as a TV
The president should promise to spend the rest of his life trying to find
the real person who had oral sex with the intern.
If I had to spend all day trying to find jobs for every woman who had
sex with the president, I'd never get any of my own work done.
The president should take up skiing.
Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure the door
In last week's Cabinet meeting, the president asked us to go out and win
one for the zipper.
Subject: Monica Lewinsky Press Release
Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, in response to President Clinton's testimony.
I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.
This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head-on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again.
No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair.
I will not be stained by it.
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty. "No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb. "No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan "I've seduced more women than any person in the world," announced Don Juan. "No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming. "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so." In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty. "I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees." In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?
As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?"
Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird? -the spread eagle
A reporter asked Clinton one day. "Was Monica lying?" Clinton responded by saying. "No, she was on her knees."
Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am?
Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President. 86% said "Not again."
Clinton's team of advisors have offered the following defense... Clinton NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in disposition! He told her to lie in THIS position....
Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-witch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys? "The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first? "Clinton says "Oh hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine. "Clinton says 'Oh my god, I feel so ... so ... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn...Well, what's the really bad news?" The officer replies "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting."
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.
"What is it?" exclaims the President.
"It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies.
"Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.