• What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton? Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.
• What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wished he had? A dead girlfriend and an ex-wife.
• If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one would win? Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that harass is one word.
• What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a greedy politician? Chelsea!
• The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.
• Most people worry about getting AIDS from SEX. Bill worries about getting SEX from AIDES!

Democrats are considering changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because a condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"

Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas.
A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"

Hillary Clinton had just undergone her annual physical exam at her doctor's office. The doctor came in and said: "Mrs. Clinton our tests have come back and confirmed that you are pregnant." The first lady said: "There must be some mistake!" Her physician replied: "At first we were also suprised, but we double checked the test results and you are definitely expecting a child."
Hillary was terribly upset, she grabbed her cell phone and called President Clinton. She screamed: "Bill, I am at the doctor's office and they just told me I'm pregnant and its all your fault!!"
There was a long pause at the other end of the phone, and finally President Clinton said: "Who is this?"

Three boy scouts (in uniform) were out fishing in a boat one day, when they heard cries for help. They went around a point only to see another fishing boat capsized and a man struggling to keep his head above water. Like true boys scouts, they went to his aid and fished the man out.
Lo and behold, the man turned out to be Bill Clinton. As he toweled himself off and caught his breath, he thanked the three scouts profusely and asked if there was anything he could do for each of them.
"Why, I'd sure like a tour of the White House," the first scout said.
"No problem," said Bill. "How's next week?"
"I'd sure love to go for a ride in Air Force One," said the second  scout. "We'll leave aboard her tonight," Bill replied.
"For me, I'd like to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery," said the third. "
Well, I can sure arrange that," said Bill, "but you're pretty gosh-darned young to be worrying about that, now aren't you sport?"
"You don't know my Daddy," the scout replied. "When he finds out I helped save your life, he's gonna kill me!"

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.
St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the pearly gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

Likely Quotes

The reason it's always so difficult for this president to tell the truth,the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's usually three different stories.
Sam Donaldson

If the president could convince every woman in America that the Bible says oral sex is not adultery, he'd even have my vote.
Newt Gingrich

What's wrong with extending my probe? The president did the same thing.
Kenneth Starr

The special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony to the entire Grand Jury.
Monica Lewinsky

Shouldn't the president be held to the same standards as a TV sportscaster?
Marv Albert

The president should promise to spend the rest of his life trying to find the real person who had oral sex with the intern.
OJ Simpson

If I had to spend all day trying to find jobs for every woman who had sex with the president, I'd never get any of my own work done.
Vernon Jordan

The president should take up skiing.
Al Gore

Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure the door is locked.
George Stephanopoulos

In last week's Cabinet meeting, the president asked us to go out and win one for the zipper.
Madeleine "Aunt Bea" Albright

Subject: Monica Lewinsky Press Release

Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, in response to President Clinton's testimony.

I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.

This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head-on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again.

No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair.

I will not be stained by it.

Thank you.
Monica Lewinsky

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty. "No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb. "No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan "I've seduced more women than any person in the world," announced Don Juan. "No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming. "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so." In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty. "I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees." In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?

Shorts

• But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, I only asked them to kneel.

• I asked a friend of mine if he was keeping up with this Monica Lewinsky stuff. "Just the jokes," he said.

• There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon. It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory.

• When asked about Monica's best feature the President replied, "She's got the whitest teeth I"ve ever come across!"

• Monica wouldn't have soiled her dress if she would have just kept her mouth shut.

• Monica said she may as well be truthful now about Bill because she doesn't think she stands a chance of getting on the Presidential STAFF again.

• Roses are red, Monica blew. It ain't cheatin', 'cause Bill didn't screw.

• Seems Bubba has violated the eleventh commandment: Thou shalt  not put thy rod in thy staff.

• Someone ask Clinton if he was going back to Arkansas after this is all over. He said he thought he would stay in D.C. and poke around for a while.

• It seems the biggest new game to play in Washington DC is swallow the leader.

• Don't be too hard on li'l Monica. Clinton told her oral sex wasn't adultery and she swallowed it.

• "One thing's for sure about Clinton... He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!"

• Hey...you sure gotta admire that Monica Lewinsky; she's sure got a lot of spunk...in her hair, her dress...

• Clinton Virus:Your computer keeps going down but the Bible says it's OK

• The local department store held a President's Day sale in honor of  President Clinton. All men's pants were half off.

As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?"

Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird? -the spread eagle

A reporter asked Clinton one day. "Was Monica lying?" Clinton responded by saying. "No, she was on her knees."

Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am?
A: She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.

Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President. 86% said "Not again."

Clinton's team of advisors have offered the following defense... Clinton NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in disposition! He told her to lie in THIS position....

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-witch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys? "The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first? "Clinton says "Oh hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine. "Clinton says 'Oh my god, I feel so ... so ... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn...Well, what's the really bad news?" The officer replies "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting."

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.

"What is it?" exclaims the President.

"It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies.

"Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.

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